He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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