how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
