The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
