You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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