you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
