Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
