2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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