I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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