Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
