Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
