My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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