living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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