Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
