I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
