So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
