We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
