Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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