I feel great
I just peed on a car
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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