My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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