Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Michael Bay diarrhea
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
