Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
