Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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