So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
this hospital has no fireball
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
