Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
