No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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