I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
