girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
