wanna go halves on a baby?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
