lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
