I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
