I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She needs sedatives and a leash
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
