So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
