Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
