If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize