I must be too annoying 4 u.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
