Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
