Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
