You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
