theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Less talking, more tequila
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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