I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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