I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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