If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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