I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
