Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So many bounce houses so little time
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
