I love black thongs
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We got so high we made milksteak
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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