remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
