he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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