god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
