best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
