Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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