I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
