My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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