I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
