My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
