I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
