You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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