Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
