Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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