How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
